My 1St Quote

Just one simple thing...one simple gesture......can HURT in a million different ways....

On April 25,2005

"I come into people's lives for a reason...a reason to touch their lives and leave a mark for them to remember..."

Val.....I didn't even know about the bond that we actually shared till he told me he was moving to Florida this Friday...We both became friends in some strange sort of way ...Both of us moved here the same time...I was the 1st girl he had a crush on ever since, but we grew up together as just friends, and his younger bro' also had a liking to me...even when he went to North High, we always stayed in touch thro' the summers...even tho' he was this strange weird guy an' sometimes became sorta annoying, he was still my friend...he always had my back, and always stood by my side even when I didn't realize it ...he always told me everything, and how he was doing, and most of all trusted me to keep things that he never would be open about ...maybe at times he'd be a little too open w/ me an' tell me too much details about the girls he would be dating an' stuff ...he was actually the guy friend I could turn to and he'd give me the answer staight-up and never go around the bushes ...but I never realized that I'd touch him in a way that actually made him realize something until he told me....

1st he came off and said, "Elise, I respect you...You're actually the only girl I've really respected." ...I did notice something different about this Val...he actually wasn't the same annoying Val I thought he was in the beginning...he was this much mature Val, which sorta freaked me out ...lol..I've known him since he had that high-pitched sqeaky voice ...rofl...but he did change...he told me,"Elise...I've been with a lot of girls and it was fun and all, but I've realized that it's not just about the whole thing about sex and stuff...it's also that other part in the relationship...it's that other part where I just want to settle down...where you're the type of girl who has it all...you've made me realize that...if I wasn't moving and if you weren't with Marvin, I'd probably be with a girl like you....Marvin is lucky that he has a beautiful girl like you, who respects herself, where he doesn't need to worry about a thing...Simon might not have seen it at first, but he lost it all and gave-up on a great girl like you.......I'm really going to miss you Elise!..."

I was so flattered and I was just getting so sad ....I was actually going to miss Val too ...So at that...the last time I saw him, we both exchanged #'s and gave each other a big hug....

Feelings

Sometimes love makes us do crazy shit...well..actually most of the time..heh..I know this from experience...It's like, you can't imagine living w/out that certain special some1...that some1 who can complete your other 1/2, that some1 whom you love just for who they are..and any lil' thing about them, is just a peice of imperfection that is perfection in your eyes onLy...it's like you just want to be held in their arms and you know you'll be there to protect them too from any harm.because you'd fight for them w/ a passion..and do anything to please them...just seeing them smile, makes you smile ...just seeing them gaze into your eyes, even if just for a split-second makes you melt inside ..and when you see them cry, its as if your whole world crumbles too , and you'd want to wipe ev'ry tear that comes out of their eyes...it's like, you'd want to give them the stars if you could, spend the whole night holding unto them, and wake-up in the morning next to them...or even stay awake just to watch them sleep...any lil' thing they do, makes you laugh , and you don't even need words to express your feelings...you can just be walking side-by-side silent, but the intensity is great, and you know that the love is there...you can act like a fool in front of them, and they'd love you the same...because you equally love each other..no more, no less..but each day that passes your love them more than you loved them from yesterday..and nothing can touch you two, nothing can get to you, because of the strong bond of trust, love and respect that you hold w/in your hearts for each other is there....and w/ this...all you have to say....no 3 words...no 8 letters...no phrase of "I Love you!"...because you just know...when you truly love some1....and w/ that....

....my secret

THE PAST

Sometimes I wonder "why?" Why the change..why not for the better?I can't describe these feelings but it's as if I have this deep dislike of who you came to be. Did I hurt you that bad?Was it really that bad?Or did your true colors finally come out?Was I that blind to have loved you like that? So many questions and it's all the same story.I admit it. I loved you, I loved you so much I risked myself being a fool for you. And looking back at it, I kind of get a laugh at it, because of how I was, so much younger, and unable to grasp the information I know now. I loved you, because you were my first love. I loved you because you amazed me with the little things no other girl saw at the time. I saw you, for you, and admired you, regardless of appearance. You were smart and funny to me. When I was next to you, I couldn't describe what I was feeling, I just knew that I wanted to be with you. What happened?What happened to us?Were you weak like me or as everyone says...wasn't it your pride?I don't think you ever truly loved me...Most of the time I felt that you rarely cared..so I stopped the kisses..I stopped the calling...yet all that, kind of, was killing me inside. I got paranoid, and built madd insecurities as you noticed. I was looking at myself and questioning"Why do I got it all twisted?Doesn't he love me all the same?"
And I wasn't sure 'cos you never told me in words..but when I remember...I was just too blind to see at the moment that you showed me you loved me through action, as I did so too. The walks home, the visits at each others lockers, the loyalty we had for one another to never cheat,the kisses you wanted and how when I backed away, you wanted only more...and the telephone calls..how at the end of every convo it was "I love you"..I was blind, but then, now I see that you really did care. But now...where did you go?It was our problem not others to see that we had to tackle an obstacle. TRUST boy. and it goes for me especially..and I really did see that once reality slapped me in the face...okay..and you remember...I TRIED. tried for another chance, but you were stubborn.
You were on your path to the superficial. Influenced by what others said, just like I was at the beginning but got through that part of the game. the thing is...you stuck there. and you're now so much different than who I fell in love with. You went after the superficial, and now you're trying to replace this thing that's sorta empty and missing within you. Wow..I'm talking like a friggin psychologist now..anways..it's not that I'm mocking you or pointing it out. I just notice you, even when you think I ain't...but everytime you do something that is you now(if that makes any sense) you push me farther away..and hurt me more in the process. I loved you, and it's kind of hard to let go when you once loved someone. I know I'm not the only one to admit all of that, but I am the first to have said and wrote that between the two of us. The you NOW is convinced that you're over me..so is the same with me because of the you now(if you can follow?)All that's happpened this past year convinced the me now(to run away from that unexplainable love I had for you)?...ok?I just confused myself?Anyways...I may have changed for the better, yet I'm only human still learning from my mistakes.I don't regret and I'm proud of who I am. So what?I'm a cornball who let's it loose and says what's on my mind?a hopeless romanitc only trying to understand the reason for everything that has happened so far.Maybe even my own redeemer because I truly hate hurting you even though you hurt me with just the simple things. The thing is...through this whole process, I learned how to not show it upfront like I used to. If I wasn't writing all this, no one would have ever thought that I was actually feeling all of this inside...all this bottled up inside for you. So maybe this is a dedication written for you to read.So maybe I'm crazy to actually tell the truth. But isn't there the expression where "the truth will set you free"?

Vindicated

Oh sweet
You got me hanging on a cliff of melancholy
Won't you lend me a hand
Take me safely and cautiously
Into slumbered deep surrender of euphoria
Bliss upon my lips
Starry gazes through the misty night
Whispered tunes that touch the heart
That beats faster and faster
You got me by my waist
A dream so far away
Reality is twisted
with fate unexplainably difficult to comprehend
So love me now or forever hold your peace
Halt time from it's moving feet
And deliver me from this nightmare
Dreams that are dreams
that the heart wishes to make into reality
Oh sweet
You got me hanging on a thread
So silky with it's fabric and solemnly
FRAGILE
will you save me?

PAST WRiTTENS

ONE LOOK, THAT'S ALL IT TOOK

You had me at
HELLO
&& ii never thought ii'd ever feel like this agaiin
&& never thought ii would ever see you agaiin
BUT
one out of a milliion chances
you're iin my liife
thiis summer
one day out of each week

...by mere luck.
My heart skiipped a beat when ii saw you
across the hallway from where ii worked
we had to do what we had to do
we had the same job
but a different location

&& when you saw me agaiin
ii remember how you stared at me in awe
how each time we had to pass each other
&& ii was busy making a burdened one smiile
you'd give me a glance
&& ii'd do the same when you weren't looking
our last conversation
small talk
ii gazed into your eyes
you looked into mine
ii had to get-up from where ii was sitting
beacause they were calling me to go help

&& you did the same
to do what you had to do
BUT
ii wiill always recall
those times we didn't talk
the last time you&ii were caught
stariing into each others eyes
to the poiint where we both simultaneously
turned our heads just to hold our gaze
as ii was walkiing away
as you stared off at me from the distance
&& how ii wanted to stop to turn around
but couldn't
&& the last time before you had to leave
how ii sat 5 tables behind you
&& you still managed to turn around
just to give a quick glance at me
&& the whole thing is
you don't have a clue
you have no idea
that ii have iit thiis bad
for you.

ONE LOOK, THAT'S ALL IT TOOK pt. 2

Your name jumped out of the pages
As ii siigned iin for work
I was so happy to know ii would see you agaiin
So happy that
time flew by fast
&& ii walked around with the biggest grin on my face
to the poiint where ii lost my balance
&& held our gaze once again

Take me now
Take me into your arms
sweet sweet Bolivian
&& quit thiis game which we play
Gaze, gaze Look away
Silent moments
..damn
should ii risk vulnerability?
&& take the dive once agaiin
ii promise ii will
on our next encounter with each other
...just because
when ii said good-bye
when ii walked away from you
turned around to giive you a smile
you stared into my eyes
that said
I want you
&& when you stepped into your ride
You looked out the window
for one last glance
As ii smiiled at another burdened one
As ii spoke with another
&& when ii stared back at you
ii made a promise that
ii will tell you
even when ONE so close
is against the thought of us

The Last Look
&& ii arrived early today
Before you would appear
Anticipation took over my body as I knew what I was about to reveal
Vulnerability
It shaked me off my feet

ii Saw your face
&& we exchanged smiles
We were busy
Yet we talked in between
You sat next to me as you spilled your hobbies
&& ii'D do the same
Then work swept us away from each other
Till Lunch
I saw you walk in while I sat w/ my friends
You tapped my back with your fingers
It was unexpected
It made the hair on my neck stand

As you took the seat next to mine
You looked at me and smiled
&& I asked
"Weren't you going to sit somewhere else?"
Response
"No, are you kidding?"
As we talked
I saw a friend in you
&& wondered at all
Did I really have this thing for you?
After Lunch
Blazing Hot outside
Our last talk
My revelation
But to me it was a joke already
I spoke my words
"I was laughing earlier
because I used to have a crush on you
when I first saw you"
To your ears it rang
but a serene smile
written all over your face
Both of us talked on our cells before
you took a breathe to say
"I have a girlfriend and
I don't want to lie to you"

I was alright with it because
I was already over this childish crush and realized
a new friendship
&& realized that this risk taken
I've gained back
what my old-self grasped earlier
COURAGE to take a risk
That fiesty side that abandoned me
When my heart was shredded into peices
I've gained so much more
&& I'm here sitting in euphoria

MEMORYpt.I Current mood: calm I look around and I see you, laying sound-asleep on my bed...I decide to lay next to you, and embrace you as I hear you breathing in rythm...I close my eyes and can't believe this and what has happened... you me...together...= perfection. your love so imaculate and so hard to reach.. and I couldn't find the words to even tell you I LOVE YOU... FLASH forward...and I'm laying asleep on your bed...you embrace me and I can hear your voice...you embraced me and...you tried making me laugh so I can wake-up...and I smiled with my eyes closed... OPENED EYES looked up and saw you staring back at me smiling and your eyes saying KISS ME...and I kissed you as you held me so close, making me feel so safe in your arms... && I held on saying I WANT YOU..In your room...only the sunlight as our light..the darkness shaded with the curtains next to your bed..the fan that's on because it's SUMMER..and SWEAT dripping from the humidity... HAND in my hand HAND in yours Can't explain this feeling I have inside...for YOU and only you...my feelings to what's-his face have vanished..they're gone...and I ONLY WANT YOU..I just couldn't say it...and I really wanted to say YOU'RE my only one... and yet we're still here gazing into each other with DESIRE and no WORDS escaped our lips... Oh the feeling, the timing...so RIGHT..no one to bother us.. Baby..I LOVE YOU..let's stay in this time FOREVER. where I'm in your room or vice-versa just embracing and gazing at each other...where our worries are far from our thoughts and it's just YOU & ME I BLINK and look at the time....I have to go...you try to stop me from getting where I have to go...I STRUGGLE just to move out of your room..just for my feet to touch the floor... UNLOCKED door...I run out... you come after me, putting your shirt on..and you grab my arm OUTSIDE of your house just to give me one last KISS Good-bye.... MEMORY pt. 1A Current mood: calm Ten, Eighteen, O' fiVe ....AfterskOoL A despaired day yet I can see you You see me As I'm rehearsing with my grL Vixenn...tunes of a song in dedication... I see you pass me, && ii caLL out yOur name You hear me and take steps toward me...as my heart beats in sync with every step...we hold our gaze Have I stopped breathing?? && you never turn away but it's only you && me; the whole world has dissappeared around Us.. "Hi" I whisper..."Hey"you reply I open my arms && at the same with no words you open your arms as well Perfectly we fit into each other's arms with an embrace I put my arms around your body && notice that the warmth I once felt before is still there... I expect it to be a 5 second hug as ii was ready to let go and push my feelings deep within me so it wouldn't be shown...for Fear of being that fool......... To my surprise...you're still holding on to me? What is this? Is this a dream? I try to look at my friend to see if she sees the same thing...but sadly I couldn't even turn my head... My body went numb Your touch poisened me into everlasting bliss As you held me in this bittersweet embrace for another minute or so And I couldv'e died happy as I could see 1 simple thing has taken my breathe away You let go of my body slowly but surely...your cheeks a slight pink blush.. And I've held my breathe till you turned the corner to go back into school To my unexpected added despair You turn around to look at me, every inch of me from a distance Leaving this as the last hug we ever shared... && ii turn to my friend....and say... "...was ii dreaming?"

Thursday, June 15, 2006 DEAR BOY Current mood: calm I know you're mad, but it's over. You got to stop blaming others and deal with the fact that it was both our faults. I can't stand to see the site of your face, I can't stand to be around you because you've changed. Not for the better, but for the worst. I really don't like the person you are...you weren't the person I fell in love with...I miss who I thought you were...and that's who's forever kept in my heart. Sounds corny, but it's true. Same with everyone else. They may be all up in your face putting a smile on and all, but when they talk to me, they warn me never to go back, pushing me away from you, and maybe I guess they're just looking out for me. Maybe in a way I've built a wall of insecurity around you or from the site of you, because I seem to be afraid just to be around you. I can't even look at you with out feeling so bad, with out wanting to talk to you, but I never can...I stutter and it's so stupid because I used to talk to you like you were my best friend. And whenever I tried, you shut-me down, when all I really wanted to do was talk, not get back with you. I wanted there to be an open-line where we can be all good with it, I don't want to be fighting with you, I don't want to hate you..because I honestly don't. What happened?What happened with the times?Don't you remember...or do you still hate me for what happened? I know you may be reading this...but who's to say that this letter is for who you think it is...maybe I'm writing all of this because you'll never know, because there's this part of me that is still killing inside and I just want to let it all out.The person you are now, would be cursing at me by now, saying how foolish I am to even care..but what can I say? who knows..maybe not...maybe you'll be thankful after reading this. Sometimes I wonder why it happened though?It never was supposed to..it was just an obstacle we had to face together, but you never wanted to try, but I did. I actually changed for the better though. I wish you knew, I wish you can just tell me what you're feeling. Sometimes they all say that you're lonely...that the way you are is because of US or because of the blame. It was nobody's fault, but OURS...yet..why didn't you want to try?try to get throught this obstacle together?Was it your damn pride?...when I look into your eyes...you seem destroyed...different....and they all tell me...."He really needs you now"...and I say..."it's kind of hard when there's denial in the way.".... SINCERELY YOURS TRULY

WRiiTTeN
Current mood: refreshed

WE both know iit hasn't diied...WE both know that we don't want to show iit when we really want tOo..fOr fear wiill gett tOo uSs...OuR &hearts scream D truth && controL involuntary actiiOnSs, wheN oUr &miinDs scream a Liie we want toO beLiieVe...&&sOmEhOw WE catch a glimpse Of Our actiiOns && QuestiiOn OurSeLveSs...iif the deciisiiOns we've maDe B-4 was really wOrth the PaiiN that iiSs briinGiinG uSs down right at thiiSs mOmenT...teLL me thiiSs...can yOo honestLy loOk mEe iin the eyeSs && teLL mEe that you'rE haPpY??...Do yoO have thE cOuraGe to teLL D truth??...'cOs HonestLy...ii'm weaK iin the kneeSs* afraiiD Of beiing the fOoL ii waS..

You know what I really hate?

I hate that the guy that promised "forever I will love you no matter what" for-gets about the girl he promised his life to, once she got pregnant with his child. I can't believe that he thought she was screwing around with other guys and told all her friends that he didn't think that that was his child. She loved him and believed all his words.She risked her life just to see him, even if it meant running away from home for two days and having police search for her due to a missing report. He just wanted her, just to screw around with her and tell her lies just to get in her pants. But what can you expect from a convict from another country.Shit happens. I'm not saying it's her fault. I love her because she's family, and we always used to talk before. She wanted to change the chain that went around in family history. I admired her for that. I just HATE guys like him!






For now. I am the hope