THE PAST

Sometimes I wonder "why?" Why the change..why not for the better?I can't describe these feelings but it's as if I have this deep dislike of who you came to be. Did I hurt you that bad?Was it really that bad?Or did your true colors finally come out?Was I that blind to have loved you like that? So many questions and it's all the same story.I admit it. I loved you, I loved you so much I risked myself being a fool for you. And looking back at it, I kind of get a laugh at it, because of how I was, so much younger, and unable to grasp the information I know now. I loved you, because you were my first love. I loved you because you amazed me with the little things no other girl saw at the time. I saw you, for you, and admired you, regardless of appearance. You were smart and funny to me. When I was next to you, I couldn't describe what I was feeling, I just knew that I wanted to be with you. What happened?What happened to us?Were you weak like me or as everyone says...wasn't it your pride?I don't think you ever truly loved me...Most of the time I felt that you rarely cared..so I stopped the kisses..I stopped the calling...yet all that, kind of, was killing me inside. I got paranoid, and built madd insecurities as you noticed. I was looking at myself and questioning"Why do I got it all twisted?Doesn't he love me all the same?"
And I wasn't sure 'cos you never told me in words..but when I remember...I was just too blind to see at the moment that you showed me you loved me through action, as I did so too. The walks home, the visits at each others lockers, the loyalty we had for one another to never cheat,the kisses you wanted and how when I backed away, you wanted only more...and the telephone calls..how at the end of every convo it was "I love you"..I was blind, but then, now I see that you really did care. But now...where did you go?It was our problem not others to see that we had to tackle an obstacle. TRUST boy. and it goes for me especially..and I really did see that once reality slapped me in the face...okay..and you remember...I TRIED. tried for another chance, but you were stubborn.
You were on your path to the superficial. Influenced by what others said, just like I was at the beginning but got through that part of the game. the thing is...you stuck there. and you're now so much different than who I fell in love with. You went after the superficial, and now you're trying to replace this thing that's sorta empty and missing within you. Wow..I'm talking like a friggin psychologist now..anways..it's not that I'm mocking you or pointing it out. I just notice you, even when you think I ain't...but everytime you do something that is you now(if that makes any sense) you push me farther away..and hurt me more in the process. I loved you, and it's kind of hard to let go when you once loved someone. I know I'm not the only one to admit all of that, but I am the first to have said and wrote that between the two of us. The you NOW is convinced that you're over me..so is the same with me because of the you now(if you can follow?)All that's happpened this past year convinced the me now(to run away from that unexplainable love I had for you)?...ok?I just confused myself?Anyways...I may have changed for the better, yet I'm only human still learning from my mistakes.I don't regret and I'm proud of who I am. So what?I'm a cornball who let's it loose and says what's on my mind?a hopeless romanitc only trying to understand the reason for everything that has happened so far.Maybe even my own redeemer because I truly hate hurting you even though you hurt me with just the simple things. The thing is...through this whole process, I learned how to not show it upfront like I used to. If I wasn't writing all this, no one would have ever thought that I was actually feeling all of this inside...all this bottled up inside for you. So maybe this is a dedication written for you to read.So maybe I'm crazy to actually tell the truth. But isn't there the expression where "the truth will set you free"?